Goats’ve Got Talent

Say, for instance, just say: If the Dept of Goat Matters decides to issue photo-IDs for goats, then every goat will have to submit two identical passport-sized colour photos with his/her name written on the back.

While the goats know that this scenario is complete nonsense – the humans would never allow any such leniency, fearing that the intelligent goats would then be in a position to take over the world.

However, there are some goats who think out of the box, as it were, and have requested that we exhibit their mug-shots, just in case the Dept of Goat Matters sends out a notification. ‘You never can tell’, is a wise old goat adage.

Respected personalised goat named Justin Bieber (a.k.a. ‘The Beebs’) claims to be of Nubian descent. He reckons that it is regal and sound quite classy.

Respected personalised goat named Michael Jackson (a.k.a. “Jacko”) claims to be a Domestic Alpine, or something like that. He’s not sure who his dad was. He thinks that Dad was a travelling goat.

G-Sweep

Yesterday was spring-clean day at the home of the G-Men.

This involves a periodic cleaning out the goat-house, airing the premises in the warm air and then re-furnishing the bed and carpet to the tenants’ satisfaction. You will understand that this is probably over-personifying the animals slightly -- they do not really have carpet and a bed.

Clayton donned the regulation Health and Safety apparel, being gardening gloves and a painter’s dust mask. Special tools include the old kitchen broom, the dustpan and the 30 litre garden barrow. Then a deep breath and down on all fours (like a goat!).

Interested parties may want to know that this deep breath technique trick does not really work, but it is probably consolatory to the G-sweeper for the first 30 seconds or so. After that, he is faced with the full wrath of the ammonia urine stench. I am reliably informed that goat urine is excellent for opening the sinuses, but I’m sure that the average person will rather prefer a blocked nose!

The boarded floor of the G-house has 5mm slits which allows the bulk of the urine to leak through, but the straw quite obviously absorbs and retains quite a bit. This gives the place a pleasant “goat-y” smell. Pleasant, that is, if you are a goat.

I used two very valid excuses to send Clayton into battle in the straw, rather than doing it myself. (a) the fine dust particles are not good for my post-surgery recovering sinuses, and  (b) well…, actually there was only one good reason.

Ten minutes later, Clayton had fully loaded the wagon with smelly spent straw and the floor scraped clean and dry of traces of G-presence. I was watching from a safe breathing distance. Justin “Beebs” wasted no time and immediately clambered inside and stomped around on the wooden floor checking and smelling. It’s amazing how inquisitive he is – he needs to know what you’re doing and needs to smell absolutely everything!

The compound was left to air, while the straw was taken to the composting area and covered, in line with our cunning plan for this waste product. I am hopeful and positive that the vegetarian goat-poo should do wonders in the veggie garden.

Then back to the feed-store to collect sufficient straw for re-furnishing the G-house. I took the liberty of taking a small bag of hay as a treat for the boys as well. Nothing like an inauguration meal once in a while.

Back at Goat-hill, Clayton kitted up once more and spread the straw all over the floor of the G-house. It was good and clean and fresh. And soft, like new straw. I fully expected him to lie prone on the soft new mattress to “test it out”, but Jacko Jackson butted his way in, in his official capacity of Quality Control Inspector.

(Above): Michael “Jacko” Jackson

Jacko checked out the floor in a zig-zag pattern, finally showing his approval by actually eating some of their mattress/carpet, indicating that, if its good enough to eat, then it must be good enough to sleep and pee on as well! That’s goat psychology for you.

There was no need to panic about him eating himself out of house and home, as he was easily distracted from this bedtime snacking by the offer of handfuls of yummy hay.

Clayton, too, was a happier G-servant, ready for the next spring-clean in a fortnight. Off to the shower and deodorant!

G-Man Report

Some weeks ago, you may recall, I introduced the G-Men, namely Michael Jackson (so-called “Jacko”) and Justin Bieber (the so-called “Beebs”). They are not really Government Men, they’re Goats on long-term loan from a neighbour.

(Above): Black and white horned Jacko nibbles at a leafy snack. He would do well in a rugby scrum and is forever shunting his G-Mate out of the way – friendly nudges in G-Terms, I guess.

(Above): Skinny old big ears, Brown, tan and white Beebs grins for the camera. He is an avid eater and a great little runner. The friendliest goat you could ever imagine.

(Above): I am please to report that these people-friendly and snack-hungry darlings have settled in extremely well and have started making their little community on Goat Hill.

(Above): Jacko absolutely loves being hand-fed crunchy leaves and juicy peaches and apples, but take care, don’t drop the snacks to the ground – Jacko simply doesn’t do scraps off the dirty ground.

(Above): Beebs is the more agile and adventurous of the pair, and is frequently to be seen near the bottom of the hill (about 50 metres down) among the yummy thorny brambles – not sure if he’s find many berries there, but he is gradually consuming part of the landscape there, so it must be reasonably tasty, I suppose!

(Above): Jacko stands at the top of the Hill, looking down at fellow G-Man on the brambled slopes. Not sure of whether he feels like any brambles to day?

Want some yummy straw, hey?

If, like me, you’ve been a towney most of your life and have had very little contact with animals or farm life, chances are you won’t know what donkeys eat – hay or straw. And you probably won’t care, either.

But, say, you’ve become an owner of a pair of goats, and you need to supplement their feed and provide them with comfortable bedding in their shelter and sleeping quarters. The goats will instinctively know which one to eat and which one to use for bedding. However, you need to go to the co-op and to buy some of each, without their help.

Save yourself any embarrassment: its common-sense, really. The cushy stuff is for sleeping on, and the yummy stuff is for chow. But, they are both straw, hey, and they sell at a similar price? We found out for sure by buying them and testing on Justin and Michael.

(Above): Straw – soft, sometimes tubular hollow stalks of grains after they have been threshed. Good for absorption, insulation and comfort, this makes an ideal and cost-effective fitted sheet and under-blanket for any goat. Straw is not nutritious at all.

The bedding straw has been tested by Michael Jackson (pictured above). Reports show that he wouldn’t swap this for any other sort of bedding.

 
(Above): Hay is a finer, softer fibrous material, being a mix of various local grasses, which involves cutting, curing, processing and storing. Yummy stuff… If you’re a goat.

 
Justin Bieber (pictured above) whole-heartedly endorses the local hay, hey? Of course, the in situ grasses and brambles growing on Goat Hill still form the main part of his diet.

Acting the Giddy Goat

Sunday 2 March. Although the sun is out, a promising amount of grey cloud is starting to accumulate overhead, with a slim possibility of some much-needed rain later in the day. Everyone is holding thumbs.

Our neighbour (‘Mike’, we’ll call him) from across the way arrives with his tractor-trailer and sets up a water pump and pipes so that we can transfer 3,000 litres from the garden tank to the household supply, which is dwindling at an alarming rate.

That’s not the end of the story.

Its actually not even the start. Its a different story, a “trailer” prequel if you like. A while later, Mike cum-tractor-cum-trailer-cum 5 little girls on the back plus a goat-house arrives back in the driveway!

Goat-house. Yes, goat-house, not dolls house or guard house, as you might expect.

Mike is the proud owner of a pair of Billy goats and previously offered there services as scrub/weed/gorse removal agents. It looks like this is the day when that promise gets fulfilled.

(Above): Tyler and Clayton walk around Goat Hill, surveying for a good spot to locate the goat-house, a piece of level terrain with a bit of cover from the elements.

(Above): The goat-house proves to weigh far more than can be handled without some sort of crane over any distance. Getting it over the fence into the Goat Hill paddock is well-nigh exhausting, and the building comes to rest in a convenient spot under some undergrowth (which, we understand, in all likelihood, will be devoured in due course.)

A short while later, Mike and Clayton arrive back, with two obedient-ish goats on leashes. Enter Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber. That’s the names given to these creatures by Mike’s three pre-8 little daughters. The black and white boy is “Mike” and the brown one is called “Justin.”

The new tenants enter the Goat Hill precinct and sheepishly (pardon the pun) inspect their surroundings, mostly along the (level) top of the steep incline adjacent to the length of the fence. It is soon evident that Mike and Justin are by no means “wild” – they, in fact, appear to crave company. Mike has a healthy set of horns, while Mike sports a pair of rabbit-ish floppy ears. He has strange dopey eyes.

(Above) The physiques of the two buddies is rather dissimilar. While Mike is plump and pregnant-looking around the gut, and has a stocky purposeful gait, in contrast Justin is quite skinny, with a protruding spine, and seems to weigh about the same as Bennie (about 35 kg). Every now and then, Mike head-buts poor old Justin, just to remind him who is the Alpha-goat in the paddock. The butting doesn’t seem to bother Justin in the least.

Time to introduce them to Labradors Sophie and Bennie. This should be fun.

(Above): Sniffing through the bars: Bennie and Sophie did some “we’re boss here” barking spells (and still continue to do so now and then), and then started settling down to the serious business of sniffing these new and very strange-looking dogs! The goats are in no way phased by the hounds, and we’re hoping that everyone will soon be living happily ever after…